Baby… today had me ready to clock out before I even clocked IN.

WHEN YOUR MAMA WAKES YOU UP LIKE A BILL COLLECTOR

I opened my eyes and damn near left my body—
my mama was standing over me like she rehearsed this.

“KAREN!”

I jumped so hard my soul almost unzipped.

“Ma! Why is you standing over me like you finna steal my dreams?!”

“You ain’t get that milk yesterday.”

I checked the clock.
5:15 AM.
She woke me up BEFORE my alarm… for MILK.

“Ma… I told you I didn’t have no money.”

“Well I need milk for my coffee.”

“You don’t even drink coffee.”

“I might start!”

At this point she arguing with herself, I’m just the audience.

She snatched my blanket off like she getting ready to fight a bitch on the street.

“Don’t cover up your head when I’m TALKIN’ to you, now.”

“Ma… come on. I already work with crazy people. I need at least two minutes of peace before the foolishness begins.”

“Well bring some milk home TODAY.”

And she walked out like she just dropped the season finale.

MR. LEE & HIS INVISIBLE RAT

I get to Petals and chile… soon as I hit the hallway I hear SCREAMING.

Not regular screaming.
Not “I fell.”
This was “sumthin demonic is loose” screaming.

I said, “Oh Lord… that’s Mr. Lee.”

I walk in and he on TOP of the bed, hollerin’:

“KAREN! IT’S A DAMN RAT! A BIG ONE TOO!”

Brittany in the corner lookin’ like she finna quit TODAY.

I get down on the floor…
Look under the bed…
Ain’t no rat.
But I did see a crack pipe, two lighters, and an old ass grilled cheese sandwich.

“Mr. Lee… ain’t no rat under here.”

“Yes it is! You blind, baby?!”

“Sir… you done smoked enough spirits to see things the Lord did NOT put here.”

Here come Miss Rose, stomping in like she the building inspector.

“What is all this noise?!”

“Mr. Lee says he saw a rat.”

Miss Rose clutched her pearls like he said a dragon was loose.

“Not in MY facility. The devil is busy.”

She looked at ME like the rat was my fault.

“Did you check under that bed?”

“Yes.”

“And?”

“No rat.”

“SEE! Y’all think I’m crazy!” Mr. Lee yelled.

Sir… yes. Yes, we do.

It took us TWELVE minutes, three threats, and a prayer circle to get him off that bed.

Brittany whispered to me, “Karen… I’m quitting.”

“No you not, Brittany. You got bills.”

MISS LUNA & THE HALLWAY HOOD NEWS

I go help Miss Luna next.
Soon as I walk in she already talking:

“baby, don’t let none of them other CNAs in here. They funky. They lazy. And they breathe wrong.”

“Yes ma’am.”

“And I still ain’t takin’ no shower unless YOU do it.”

“Miss Luna… you smell like you been arguing with water.”

“I bathe when the spirit move me. And the spirit ain’t moved yet.”

Lord… help us.

While I’m dressing her we hear noise in the hallway.
Crowd forming.
People gossiping.

Miss Luna rolled her eyes like she already knew:

“Mmm. Somebody in trouble or somebody in love.”

Probably both.

MR. ALLEN & HIS SURPRISE ENGAGEMENT

I step out and see half the building crowded by Room 15.

I pushed through and boom:

Mr. Allen sitting in his wheelchair proposing to Miss Babylon, she looked happy though.

Had her mouth wide open, babbling.

Mr. Allen:
“Will you marry me, sweetheart?”

Miss Babylon:
“Bah boo dop dop bahhh.”

He turned to us like,
“See? She said YES.”

Lord have mercy.

“Mr. Allen… sir… she didn’t say yes. She said ‘bah boo.’ That’s nothing.”

“That’s YES in her language!”

“No, sir… that’s confusion in every language.”

Residents cheering like they about to go attend the wedding.

Here come Miss Rose AGAIN, tired of everybody’s spirit:

“WHAT IS GOING ON NOW?!”

Mrs. Patterson:
“He proposed!”

Miss Rose looked at me like I arranged it.

“Karen. Why didn’t you STOP this?”

“I was literally walking UP, ma’am.”

Miss Rose peeled Mr. Allen off that woman like a sticker.

He looked heartbroken.

“Can I at least take her to lunch?”
Miss Rose sighed.
“Fine. But Karen going TOO.”

Perfect.
Now I’m a CNA, therapist, AND marriage counselor.

THE MOST AWKWARD LUNCH ALIVE

Mr. Allen kept feeding Miss Babylon like she was a toddler:

“Here baby… open wide.”

She drooling and babbling.
Residents passing us staring like it’s a zoo exhibit.

Then Mr. Allen turned around:

“Karen, why you single? I got a grandson—”

“Mr. Allen PLEASE. Not today.”

“He got all his teeth.”

“Sir… I don’t care if he got somebody ELSE’S teeth.”

THE BUS STOP MELTDOWN

I clocked out.
I survived.
My weave still intact.

Then my mama called.

“Karen, stop by the store and get milk, bread, eggs, sugar, juice, cereal—”

“Ma… I have NO money for the milk.”

“How you think I’m finna get all that?”

“What you mean you ain’t got no money?!”

“What you mean, what I mean?

“You TOOK it!”

“I ain’t take ALL of it.”

“You took ENOUGH.”

“Well, figure it out.”

Click.

I stood at the bus stop trying not to scream like Resident D on one of her mood swings.

But I breathed.
I relaxed.
I reminded myself:

“I am Karen.
I am tired.
But I am HERE.”

And tomorrow?
We do this bullshit all over again.

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